This is my healing journal.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


So, I walked into our Business Networkin meeting this morning, anticipating Carrie our vice-president's special award ceremony for the notable Networker for the month of April. I figured it was going to be the same people it had always been who had won awards.

Carrie made all of us stand, as if to recognize all of us.

Suddenly, I was being called to the front for third place! I? Wone Third? Me? Cool!

John, my sponsor in BNI won second and another guy named Ted one first. But, to me, that third place award was like holding a first place trophey.

I had been looking for more ways to give referrals in BNI, hoping for just such an opportunity. I didn't realize I would get the third most referrals as a result of needing home repairs. But, there it was a third place.

So, why do I want mmore? Why is it I want first, before this six month term is up?

I think it has a lot to do with almost always placing second or third. Yet, every time I placed, it felt like a win.

I remember when I ran across the finishline and while placing in third in the 600 meeter, it felt like a first, because I had beaten my best time. That was in my eight grade year. I remember while not winning in the regional the following year, I felt good, because I again had beaten my best time. To me, that was a win.

In looking back at the time I ran with Tom in our class tournament, I can honestly say that felt like a win, because in running that race, I was winning back my own pride and self-respect.

I remember winning a second place in Forensics for reading "The Cat And The Pain Killer" by Mark Twain, in the reading category. I won our school's only medal in the three years I tried in Forensics. Oh, the school prized me on that one. I was the golden star. (Again, that was my eighth grade year.)

I remember placing first in the junior totals division of down hill skiing for the blind when I was a freshman in high school. Todd Gilbert (who also attended Michigan School for the Blind) was pissed, because he didn't win in the other junior category, and I remember him making fun of me in English class with regards to that. I remember him leaving shortly after that incident, and thinking that the school was better off without him. While I did not win, (as that was the time I blew out my right knee), I was still made to feel like I was a winner for even trying. Years later, when I raced against myself in a crous country ski event, I remember feeling like a winner, because I had beaten my best time and beaten the odds with my knee.

I remember trying out for a part in a couple of different plays in high school when I moved to Massachusetts and getting the parts that while minor were pivotal to the plot. Thus to me, those felt like wins.

I remember when I received my letter of congratulations for being accepted into Interlochen for my senior year. I remember feeling like a dream come true had just happened for me, thus like a winner.

I've always competed mainly against myself, and every time I accomplish something, it feels like a win. So, when will I win first place in BNI? In my heart, I already have.


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