This is my healing journal.

Thursday, May 22, 2008


Strange how I feel today like this is just the beginning of the end of a long, bitter fight in my husband's life. And yet, I've seen it happening for some time to come.

Today, Bert got suspended for losing his temper at work. I don't know all the details. Nor do I want to know. The strange thing wasfor me, I felt myself tense up and then realize, I needed to get myself grounded, so that I could go do chair massage at Consumers Energy.

I was washing my hair at the sink when Bert came in and told me and his sister that he had been suspended, since I was originally going to go get a haircut today and then realized my time was not going to be as free as I needed it to be to do that.

I told his sister that I needed to get myself grounded in order to go to work in an hour. She asked if she should leave. I told her no, that she should stay and talk to Bert, while I took care of that.

I had dunked myself in oils trying to get my new diffuser to work. So, I was grounded that way. But, I needed to hear a voice, any one of three would do.

(Tom, if you're reading this after hearing your message from me, please know I only did that for grounding purposes. You sent warm messages my way throughout my work time, and I knew they were from you. Thank you.)

When I could not get hold of tom, I called Ryan and Rainee, hoping for once Ryan would answer. God made sure of it. When I asked Ryan to pray, he immediately told me that he would, that he had suspected this was going to happen and that he would make sure our lists knew about it.

The third person I would have called was Larry, a friend from way back in first grade, who would have known exactly what I needed. Yet, talking to Ryan had taken care of that.

Throughout my work time today at Consumers, I was amazed at how calm and centered I was. Nearly all of the people I worked on wanted silence, which gave me more time to keep praying for Bert.

Tonight, he went so far as to say maybe he was just one person who could not learn from repeated patterns of behavior that crop up. That's when I found myself saying the seven decisions from the Traveler's Gift. He burst into tears, when I told him that he needed to greet each day with forgiveness by forgiving himself.

Right now, he's reading "The Traveler's Gift" as I type. I had bought him the book two years ago and told him how good it was, had even told him about my own experiences with it. But now, he's having to rely on reading it himself.

This is one particular journey which while it will effect me, I cannot take with Bert. He has to take the emotional journey of finding out about himself alone. I can be there. But, I cannot possibly comprehend what is going on inside his mind.

Please any and all of you, pray for Bert, and pray in particular that he'll look at whatever life's lesson is and prevail this time. I'm not saying this for me, as I personally feel blest and honored that God would put me in his life to be his helpmate in showing him the tools. But, I am asking for him. I cannot imagine living trapped in so much self-directed anger, bitterness and unforgiveness, as I've seen him carry at one time and yet have him be one of the sweetest people I've ever known..


  • At May 22, 2008 at 5:55 PM , Blogger Suzanne R said...

    You know you and Bert both have my prayers. I can tell that God directed your day. That inspires me. May He continue to work in your household, as you provide the same kind of (but undoubtedly greater) inspiration and are a helpmeet to your husband.

  • At May 22, 2008 at 6:00 PM , Blogger Ryan said...

    You're correct, you can't take this journey for him but, the fact that he knows you are there will mean a lot.
    There are a lot of guys like Bert and it doesn't mean they are bad men at all, they just need to know what to do with the junk inside and how to get results without relying on old coping mecagnisms.
    I think now and maybe for the first time in his life that bert will become stronger and learn to love himself.
    I also pray that he's able to concentrate on the future as theres no way he can change the past.

  • At May 22, 2008 at 6:19 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I am definitely praying sister Bea. Lord Bea truly doesn't know what to do in this situation how to act what tools to use unless you take her hands and use them for your will, honor and glory. Take and fashion her hands around the instruments you need her to use so they perfectly fit your hands and do what is best comforting, soothing calming and adding peace. We as your sheep know not how to pray give us what you want us to pray take our tounges and our minds and hearts and mold and make them as you would do wholly relying upon you to supply. thank You Lord for hearing and answering this prayer in your precious and Holy name, amen

  • At May 22, 2008 at 8:34 PM , Blogger Healing Song said...

    Thank you Suzanne, Ryan and Gwen for your kind words and prayers. I really still feel at peace. But, I can't explain that as well as I would like to be able to.

  • At May 26, 2008 at 6:28 AM , Blogger Tom C said...

    I couldn't speak to you about this as I don't know Bert. I will tell you that it might be time to get help. Prayers are nice, but lets look at something a bit more hands on.

  • At May 26, 2008 at 8:31 PM , Blogger Healing Song said...


    We'll talk at some point more about this. I will be posting more, once I find out how things stand tomorrow.


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