This is my healing journal.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving, 2007

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head. My husband and I have been married fourteen years. We bought this house seven years ago. Yet, I feel like it's become my home. I have my guitars, my keyboard, food on the table, clothes to wear and friends who write me often, just to find out if I'm okay and this computer from which I can write to all of them.

So, why is it I feel so helpless, so small?

I think of Mom, lying in her hospital bed. While the doctors are saying that she is strong and she is fighting to stay alive, it's taking her a while to respond to questions asked by my sisters. Sandy told me that she got her to open her eyes and move her feet on Tuesday. Ebba has only gotten her to open her eyes. Sandy said that she tried to talk to her. But, Mom's face became constricted in pain when she tried to speak.

Sandy said that if she stops responding and the doctors tell her and Ebba that she's given up, they will pull the plug. Surviving on a respirator with IV needles, medication that keeps her sedated, whatever treatment they're using for MRSA., becoming agitated if someone stays too long. I can't imagine what she's going through.

Waiting, waiting for what? I just pray whatever the outcome, I will be brave enough to walk down whatever road God has in store for me. For now, I will be thankful for what time I've had with her, for everything going on around me, the blessings all of you have been who are reading this. Yet, I feel so alone.

Sometimes, I hate being the link between Mom's friends and the rest of the family. Mom and her oldest son are not speaking to each other. They haven't for six years, since his wife took over Mom's business when she retired. Ebba and I have taken turns calling Bob and letting him know what's going on. Well on Tuesday, a friend of the family, who has sided with Bob and Karla all along, called me and dared to suggest to me, that we should try to get Mom to speak to Bob. I told her that she needed to let it go, that she needed to understand Mom was fighting for her life. She then said she was sure Mom had told Ebba that she needed to smoke when she came round.

Other frirneds, like Jane McChesney, broke down crying in my years, and I had to be strong for her. Donna, her other friend, who I know probably is reading this. Donna, dear friend to all, gentle and calm, even now.

Sometimes though, I just need to know someone is there for me, and right now is one of those times.

Waiting. How long, Dear God? How long?


  • At November 22, 2007 at 12:26 PM , Anonymous all4christ said...

    Hi, Beatrice: It's Lynn, from several of your email groups. I'm not used to leaving comments on blogs; but, I just wanted to let you know, dear heart, that I am continuing to pray for your mother. I am so glad to hear that at least, you have forgiven her, and I continue to pray that the rest of your siblings will see their way to doing the same. I know at times, we all feel as though God is not present with us; but, please know that, with everything you are going through, God is with you, dear sister! I know how much you trust in Him, so keep that trust firm and strong, and He will not forsake nor leave you.

  • At November 22, 2007 at 8:21 PM , Blogger Healing Song said...

    Thanks for that, Lynn. My husband said that I'm handling it better than i think I am, though right now, I feel like nothing else has consumed my thoughts and prayers. I find myself over and over saying the Lord's prayer and asking that God's will be done, because I can't find any other words to go to at this point. I know I can trust Him to watch over me. It's just so hard. Often, I feel like I'm being carried right now, and it's a comfort knowing that your prayers along with others are carrying me.

  • At November 23, 2007 at 9:12 AM , Blogger Tom C said...

    The drugs used to fight MRSA are very strong and sometimes cause harm in other areas so it's a wait and see.
    What will be, will be. That is between your Mother and her creator. I will pray for you, that peace comes sooner than later.

  • At November 23, 2007 at 7:19 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Thanks for that, Tom. I'm doing better today than yesterday with the peace factor, and I'm not as tired as I was yesterday. I'll always appreciate the prayers of those I consider important to me.

    Tonight, I went down and listened to our friend Mike Kavanaugh play. I always will appreciate how he begins his shows with a tune called "We are So Loved". Nearly everyone who hears it the first time, feels the healing poweres embodied in that song, like a peace blanket. I always walk away from hearing that song, feeling like someone wrapped me in a warm blanket of Grace.

  • At November 23, 2007 at 7:23 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Oops! Managed to change my setting to anon. Not quite what I wanted to do. Lol

  • At November 23, 2007 at 7:25 PM , Anonymous healing song said...

    Maybe this time, I'll get it right? Damed Jaws. Accidentally hit enter and it would not let me change thingsas a result.

  • At November 24, 2007 at 10:46 AM , Blogger Suzanne R said...

    Beatrice, I think you know how much of an inspiration you are to me. If you don't know that, then I'm telling you now! We have been able to empathize with each other, having mothers who are very ill, and that is a blessing in my life. I know how helpless a daughter can feel in that situation, too. I know that it's just a matter of time until the phone rings and I get bad news. In the meantime, I pray for us both, that we will continue to be strong in our individual situations. Thank you for your support.

  • At November 24, 2007 at 8:21 PM , Blogger Healing Song said...

    Thanks Suzanne. I appreciate knowing I have your support.

    For those of you who read this and know Joy, I just heard from her. She's doing okay. BUt, no news on her father with is cancer.

  • At December 12, 2007 at 3:44 PM , Blogger Kathleen said...

    Please send a photo of Sherry,

    I would like to post your posting about your mom on the NCLVI website "Remembering Leaders" with a photo of her. If you can, please send a digital photo to kathyh@pco.edu. The NCLVI website is http://www.pco.edu/nclvi/honoring/remembering.htm

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